


Sometimes (If time is all I have)

by morjens



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Character Death, Doctor Kim Namjoon | RM, Established Relationship, Hospitals, I Made Myself Cry, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Sick Character, rated t for few curse words, why must jackson always suffer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-16 05:36:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16079519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morjens/pseuds/morjens
Summary: ”I’m gonna die, Jack”, Bambam’s smile is little sad but he tries to lift his lips.Jackson presses his hands against the cold surface of the car window. It’s raining, like weather gods are mocking this situation, like they have known way before Bambam and Jackson.“We don’t know, they might ha-““No. It’s over, they know it, I know it.”





	Sometimes (If time is all I have)

**Author's Note:**

> Uaaah, I have nothing to say. This fic was supposed to be pretty different but then I Am Me happened and everything felt more right. I'm sorry Bambam :( 
> 
>  
> 
> Please, if there are grammatical errors or anything weird, give me a sign, I'm willing to learn (ugh, english is hard language).

”I’m gonna die, Jack”, Bambam’s smile is little sad but he tries to lift his lips up. Jackson presses his hands against the cold surface of the car window. It’s raining. Like weather gods are mocking this situation, like they have known way before Bambam and Jackson.  
“We don’t know, they might ha-“  
“No. It’s over, they know it, I know it.”  
“But if there is sti--”  
“No, there isn’t”, Bambam says little bit louder than he meant and turns his gaze to hospital’s parking area. Older woman is trying to pay for her parking to an automat, but it doesn’t work. Bambam takes his seatbelt off and climbs off the car. Jackson watches from the car as Bambam helps the woman, rain completely drenching his stylish jacket.  
“You got it to work?”  
“Yep”, Bambam says as he puts his safety belt back.  
“Let’s go home”, he looks little tired.  
“Yeah.” 

Jackson starts the car and they drive in silence to another side of the town.  
“I made some food, you can reheat it in micro.”  
“Thanks, honey”, Bambam pecks quickly Jackson’s cheek and slips to kitchen. Jackson hears him hum a melody he’s never heard before. He get’s Bambam’s hospital luggage to their bedroom, puts his clothes back to closet and sits on their bed for a while. 

_It’s not like they didn’t know this was going to be a final. Their battle had started a year ago. Suddenly, in a sunny day at June, while Jackson was making food and Bambam had been drawing new clothes for his line, Bambam had fallen to the floor and didn’t answer. He totally blacked out and shocked Jackson had phoned an ambulance._

_It was a first time. After that the conclusion was a brain tumour. It was when they still had some hope. They knew Bambam could have a surgery and after that all was new. Maybe doctors could take the whole thing out._

_Kim Namjoon was the best cancer doctor in the hospital. He had deep dimples and calming voice when he told them what would happen. Bambam slipped his hand on Jackson’s hand when doctor Kim told about surgery, about possible risks. Every time when it was about brains there was always risks._

_“I’ll do it”, Bambam had said before doctor Kim had even finished._  
“Do you know what it means?”  
“Yes. And I’ll do it. It’s not like I have anything to lose. I’ll die anyway, huh?”  
“Don--”  
“No, Jackson, didn’t you hear what doctor Kim just said? I don’t care if I’ll have epilepsy or speaking problems because surgery might destroy some parts of my brain. I just want to live for little longer.”  
“But--”  
“This isn’t your decision to make!” Bambam had hissed and let go of Jackson’s hand. Maybe it was selfish, maybe he shouldn’t have felt like it but still Jackson thought that yes, it was little bit his choice to make too. It was his husband who was dying. 

_“I suggest you speak this through at home. I’ll book you another meeting.”_  
“Thank you doctor Kim.”  
“Please, call me Namjoon.”  
“Yeah, I’m sure we’ll meet many times after”, Bambam sighed and there were no words to say after that. They all three knew they would meet until one day there would be only two to meet. 

 

Time goes slowly when you want it to pass and Jackson is nervous.  
“Jackson, everything will go fine. We have our best surgeons right there, they do everything they can, I swear.”  
“But that doesn’t quite ease my nervousness, you know. Because surgery is always a surgery, I don’t care if they have done this millions of times. It’s my husband right there.”  
“Of course I can’t say anything for sure, but I assure they’ll do everything they can to help.”  
“With all the money I paid they sure should”, Jackson murmurs and Namjoon touches his shoulder lightly.  
“Go get some rest, or something to eat. This will take some time.”  
“How can I sleep when I know my Bam is right there?”  
“He needs you after this and you help better when you’ve rested.”  
“I guess so”, Jackson sighs and turns away from the door of surgery room.  
“I know so”, Namjoon says and gently guides Jackson to hospital’s canteen.  
“Will you eat with me, doct--, Namjoon?”  
“Hmh”, Namjoon checks the time and hums, “I guess I could.”

They pick up their food in silence, Namjoon buys two cans of coffee and downs the other one the minute he sits down.  
“Coffee addicted much?” Jackson smiles lightly and watches how Namjoon’s dimples peek shortly.  
“Down sides of this job.”  
“Stress too much?”  
“Yep”, Namjoon clearly doesn’t want to dig further on his job and Jackson guesses he really can’t talk about his clients.  
“How long have you been doctor?”  
“I graduated about five, hmh, no, six years ago. I specialised for cancers, I thought it would be interesting. And interesting it has been, truly.”  
“Sad? Happy?”  
“Trust me, I’ve seen all possible emotions human can express.”  
“What’s the most usual?”  
“Fear, I guess. Sadness, anger. Usually on the negative side of emotion spectrum.”  
“Why do you do this?”  
Namjoon shrugs his shoulder nonchalantly and Jackson doesn’t press. There are things left unsaid but Jackson thinks he might not even be ready to hear about that story. Doesn’t want to hear how others have dealt with death. 

 

Bambam usually sits by the window when Jackson comes. Sometimes Jackson watches him through the window in a door, just looks how peaceful Bambam looks, gaze fixed to the distance Jackson can’t reach anymore. He looks so small, fragile little figure hunched on the window side. White hospital gown looks way too big on him, he’s always been too skinny for his own good. Jackson almost wants to ask if nurse has some from the children section, maybe it would fit better. The fact that Bambam is losing his appetite doesn’t help. He refuses to eat because it makes him feel even worse. There are better days, of course, sometimes his smile is so bright Jackson feels like this whole thing is just a joke.

 

But it isn’t. 

Bambam turns his head when he hears the door creak.  
“Hi, honey. I brought some tea for you.”  
“Nice”, small smile tugs Bambam’s lips and he hops off the window. Thump is so small Jackson fears soon Bambam will just fly away. Somehow, sometimes just for a fleeting moment, Bambam is like a butterfly. Too beautiful for this world, gone too soon. Sometimes Jackson just holds his hand just to remind himself Bambam still is real, is still here. Like he tries to take all the touches to restore them, to use in bad times, to use when another one of them is here no longer. 

“How was it?” he asks to distract himself from this train of thoughts.  
“Same as always, I guess”, Bambam shrugs his shoulders. He seems quite used to the treatments. Of course he still feels nauseous after it, just wants to sleep for a whole day but it don’t seem like he hates it so much anymore. It’s just a thing he has to do. 

Sometimes Jackson fears Bambam wants to give up. He watches his thin figure sleeping face crunched, arms bruised from blood takes. What if one day he wakes up and decides this isn’t worth of fighting anymore? What if he hides his pain so well Jackson can’t see through it? What if he comes back one day to see Bambam dead, not because of the illness but himself?

But then Jackson stops himself. He can’t, can’t, can’t think these things. He must be positive because today is the day Bambam is still here. He still has his own love, his partner here in this world and he can still hold his hand. In these moments it’s the little things that matter anymore. 

Sometimes Bambam freaks Jackson out. The way he just _is_ , the way he seems to be so fine with all things (all things are basically only one thing, death, but Jackson can’t quite still be fine with it). How does he do that? How does he seem so calm even though he is not, even though he knows he is -- Nope, Jackson still isn’t in terms with that word. 

“My testament. The lawyer should be here tomorrow”, is what Bambam says today and Jackson wants to run. He doesn’t, because he knows Bambam needs him, needs him to be calm also. And he is. He is calm, collected, knows what to do for most of his time. 

Even though it might mean he bursts into tears at canteen later that night. Namjoon is there, silently offering him new tissue when old one is too wet to be any help.  
“Testament. A fucking testament, Namjoon. It feels so final, it feels like he has already given up, lost his will to --“, he can’t even finish his sentence.  
“No.”  
“What do you mean no?” Jackson takes another tissue and dries corners of his eyes.  
“No, he has not lost his will to live. Don’t you see how much he battles every day? Just to see another day? How he is willing to take any treatment just to stay here for little longer.”

“But”, Namjoon continues before Jackson says anything, “But he also has accepted the truth. He knows he might not see the next spring. Maybe not even Valentines day or New Years eve. He has to face the truth. And what he is doing now is because he _loves_ you and it’s easier for _you_ when he’s gone. He makes sure he has done everything he can so that when he is not here anymore you don’t need to do these things.”  
“Why are you so clever?”  
“Because this is something that happens. Everyone has their own ways of coping. And also, I must be, I studied for nine years to be here, god damn it.”

Jackson buries his head on Namjoon’s shirt and cries for little longer. 

 

Jackson still hasn’t lost all his hope. Somehow it still lingers there, somewhere hidden, buried in under all the other things. He still wants to think there might be little hope even though Bambam gets weaker, skin paler. He still wants to think they might have a miracle, like in the movies. And maybe it’s a getaway from all of this, in a way. He buries his fear of losing in this little string of hope even though he knows, _knows_ it’s not there. 

Bambam doesn’t say it to him, but they both still know that he only has few months left anymore. Jackson works harder, sleeps less, cries silently when Bambam sleeps and tries to hide his tear streaks from his cheeks before Bambam wakes up. If Jackson seems more tired Bambam doesn’t address it, doesn’t say aloud how terrible he looks like, how under of his eyes are black as if inked there.  
Maybe they both are scared to talk about the thing they should, must, speak one day. They have to face the truth. 

The death.

It’s looming there, in Bambam’s cough, in days when he can’t no longer form any coherent words. He writes but sometimes his hand shakes too much. It takes every fibre of Jackson’s will not to break there, not to cry in front of him when he watches his husband struggle with basic things. Their friends visit them, bring them little cards and other things that have piled up in their home where Jackson dumps them on the sofa table and lets them collect dust there. Yugyeom stays there the longest, always telling about his son, Bambam’s godson and reminding him to fight for few more days. Bambam says he will buy something really good for this Christmas and Yugyeom makes his best to hide the lips drooping downwards, tears shining in his eyes as Bambam turns over to cough. Jackson notices, of course, and gives Yugyeom a reassuring smile. They’ll talk about this. Maybe not now but one day, day full of tears and cursing and words they can’t say when Bambam is listening. 

 

Bambam’s smile is still as soft as the day they met. Jackson’s heart still sings for the way Bambam’s nose scrunches when he smiles, how his lips curl to form a beautiful laughter revealing bright teeth. He still has this cute little breathy laugh that makes Jackson’s toes curl, makes him want to save Bambam from all the bad things in this world. Wants to make him laugh all the time, just to hear it, for few moments more. Some days Bambam still has the familiar glint in his eyes, the sparkle that tells he is thinking of something mischievous. He grabs Jackson’s hand, tugs it softly and begs for a kiss. And who is Jackson to deny it from his husband? He is careful, doesn’t apply as much pressure as he’s used to and pecks gently Bambam’s dry lips. He should buy him some lip balm next time he goes shopping.  
“Mmh, more”, Bambam croaks and Jackson bends over, gives him all he needs. They don’t do more than that, Bambam has no energy to do anything else and maybe it would feel weird. Jackson doesn’t know what to think about it. They have had good and active sex life, both ready for new things and willing to discuss all the things. Now he doesn’t have that anymore, but he is not that sad about it. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t get any blowjobs anymore, there are more important things now.

Sometimes Jackson hates everything. The way hospital rooms are ugly, the way secretary is too joyful, the taste of coffee from that poor automat. It’s unfair, it’s unnatural. They shouldn’t be here, not at this young age. He would prefer not having to be here at all, never having to come to hospital. But somehow this is the future they have, they have chosen the longest stick and have to live with it. In some nights Jackson hates how he has to leave the hospital to come to an empty home, no lights nor husband waiting him there. There’s dust everywhere because he hasn’t remembered to call for a cleaner. Everything in that damned place reminds him of Bambam and how everything is just wrong. He hopes, hopes more than nothing, he could take Bambam’s pain. 

In the end Jackson faces the truth. Bambam silently gives him his funeral will. He has already decided how he is treated after he dies. Originally he has wanted to donate his organs but after all the treatments those are not safe for others anymore. So he will just be burned and put in a vase, as Bambam says it. Jackson snickers but doesn’t comment.  
“You sure you want to be buried in Korea? I mean, your family is in Thai--”  
“You”, Bambam forces Jackson to meet his stare, “You are my family now. And I will be buried where you will be. Or where you want me to be buried. I just had to write there something. I don’t care.”  
“Yeah, I mean, it’s not like, you know it then.”  
“Exactly”, Bambam says but doesn’t miss the sadness in Jackson’s words. He looks exhausted but still softly traces lines of Jackson’s hand.  
“Give me place from somewhere you can come to meet me. I’d like that.”  
“I’d like that too”, Jackson fights back the tears and feels the familiar burn in corner of his eyes.  
They sit in a silence for a while. Bambam’s hand in his feels so much lighter, so much more fragile when they met. They were fierce back then, they both knew what they wanted. How they ever made it work is still a miracle but Jackson wouldn’t change a day.  
“I’m gonna miss you so fucking much, you know”, he finally says and Bambam closes his eyes. He lets out long breath and holds his grip tighter in Jackson’s hand.  
“And you must know that I’ll miss you too. And I -- I --“, Bambam can’t say it, tears are streaming down his cheeks and he tries to furiously wipe them away with his free hand.  
“And I love you, Jackson. You hear me? Will you remember me? Will you?”  
“I will”, is all Jackson can say and he knows he is not lying. There is no way he can ever forget someone as precious as Bambam. Even when he forgets everything else, even when he has moved on, Bambam will be always there, like his own sassy guardian angel. 

 

He has seen it coming but it still hurts when Namjoon pulls him aside and stares at him seriously, hand resting on Jackson’s shoulder.  
“We have decided to end the treatments.”  
“Why?”  
“Because they no longer do anything to help him.”  
Jackson falls and there’s only one pair of hands to catch him. 

An hour later he wakes up, refuses to open his eyes and hears Namjoon typing in his laptop.  
“I collapsed, huh?”  
“Yeah”, Namjoon saves the file and turns to look at him.  
“Have you been sleeping? Have you eaten anything in the last 24 hours?”  
“Yeah, yeah, of course.”  
“Jackson”, Namjoon’s sigh tells him everything and Jackson wants to shrink under his stare.  
“Because Bambam is in his final stage that doesn’t mean you must forget yourself too.”  
“But it feels like--”  
“I know, but you need to take care of yourself. Eat something proper, go outside. Sleep at least six hours.” 

Namjoon sees Jackson’s going to say something but he stops him:  
“Listen. I know you’re scared. Everyone is at this point. He is not going to die while you’re sleeping. We’ll call you, we are watching him and he’s doing fine right now. He needs you in good shape. Not like this weird robot that you’ve come. Do you even know what day it is? Do you even understand what he tells you anymore? This is not something you can just keep on doing until you drop like this. This is not the way Bambam wants you to live.”  
“Don’t you try to guilt trip me to do anything”, Jackson hisses.  
“If that’s only way of you actually understanding it, I’ll do it. Now, go to shower, get some lunch and go to sleep. We have your phone number in any case but Bambam’s been sleeping just fine. We’ll give him some morphine and he said last time he is okay.”  
“I have to talk to him.”  
“He is sleeping. Just like you should be too. It’s been rough week and, I’m not going to lie, it’s also going to be rough week. We can’t promise anything for him anymore. But we can promise he is not going to die today. So, you”, Namjoon points at him with his finger, “you’re going to sleep.”

Jackson sighs and hops off the bed. He really doesn’t have any energy to fight against Namjoon. And maybe he is right, maybe he has been neglecting his own needs in case Bambam needs him. 

So he does so. Goes to eat, shower and sleeps at least seven hours. When he wakes up he checks his notifications but there is nothing. Bambam is still alive, there is still another day. He throws his shirt into a growing pile of clothes he should wash one day and takes a new one. Their once well kept household screams at him, wants him to pay attention to it but Jackson doesn’t have energy to do it. Doing laundry or ironing his shirts feels so useless. Sometimes even Jackson himself feels so useless. He wants to do so much to help but there is nothing he can do. There is only time and they are running out of it. 

Bambam takes it pretty lightly. He must know already that there is nothing doctors can do anymore. He accepts his fate with thumb up and small nod. It’s okay, he says in his own way and Jackson want to cry, has been wanting to cry for a whole day. Its not okay, he wants so shout, but what is he able to say anything in this matter. Even though it’s not his battle he is the one who’s losing. It’s pretty clear Bambam has also known for a little while. When Yugyeom visits, he knows too. They share silent moment and Jackson goes to hospital’s canteen, not wanting to disturb best friend moment. When he comes back half an hour later with ice cream for him and Yugyeom he finds Yugyeom crying. He is leaning his tall figure in his hands that are placed on Bambam’s hospital bed. Bambam’s hand is tangled in his hair, stroking black locks. There’s no words and Jackson backs away from the scene. There are things he is not familiar with and even though he knows he must be strong afterwards, he is not this strong yet, not ready to face Yugyeom’s grief when Bambam is still here.  
He watches others to come. Hospital doesn’t let them stay for long, Bambam is tired and if they are even slightly sick hospital denies visits. So Bambam facetimes and let’s Jackson to be his translator. He has no energy to speak for long sentences and sometimes he just can’t form some words. It’s a effect from all the surgeries and treatments. 

Jackson sees Bambam as most bravest human ever. How is he so calm even though he knows he is dying? Even when he knows that he could’ve lived to much better life without this crap? Even when he sees others to continue their lives? Jackson doesn’t ask because he doesn’t need to. They talk, they talk for hours. Bambam shares all his thoughts, hand holding tightly his hand and sometimes he needs to breath and stay quiet. Jackson is there, wants to hear all the words Bambam is ready to share with him. He wants to feel like he is important when he can’t no longer do anything for him. He sees Bambam smile, his gaze light up when they talk about his cats. He sees Bambam cry when he talks about how much he still has the passion, how he would’ve given so much to his scene but he can’t do that. They talk about the testament. Bambam doesn’t have that much money, he was just getting his name known and away from the student loans but there is still something. Jackson will get their house and his stuff.  
On the next day Bambam is tired. He doesn’t speak but let’s Jackson hold his hand. He gestures weakly towards the hand cream bottle and Jackson applies the cream on Bambam’s delicate hands with his own shaking ones. At this point Bambam gets only painkillers to take away the strongest pain. He is little dazed, gaze unfocused and Jackson feels so sorry for him. He doesn’t want to remember Bambam like this, this little skinny pale figure in hospital bed. He wants to remember the lively man from their years together, the one that yelled into wind and forced Jackson to ride every damn thing in amusement park. This weird, messed up version of that once full of energy Bambam is heart breaking but Jackson knows that he must remember this too. This is part of their shared story, this is not the thing to forgot. In good and in bad they had promised, and this was the bad. Jackson wasn’t one to break his promises. 

 

On Friday Bambam doesn’t wake up anymore. Jackson watches his chest rise up and down. He looks so peaceful like this, covered in boring hospital sheets. There’s one monitor that keeps beeping but Jackson is too used to it at this point to even notice it. He holds Bambam’s hand and traces violet lines of blood circulation. Bambam’s skin is so smooth and Jackson tries to take a mental picture of it, trying to remember these little details. He knows those will be pointless ten years after this but right now it fees like it’s his only way to cope with this. To know so much about Bambam that his heart bursts every time. He feels like he has so much to say, so much to ask now when it’s too late. Only thing he can do anymore is to sit here, listen the monotone beeping of heart monitor and ticking of the clock in the wall. It’s his whole world right now, in this small hospital room. It’s so numbing. He feels like he isn’t quite there anymore. He is in other place, this is not reality anymore. Oh, how much he wants to wake Bambam up, shake him up just to listen him laugh one more time. There’s not much he hopes anymore, only this one thing. One last time, one last ti--

 

And he is so caught up on his own thing he doesn’t understand the sound has changed. What was dull a minute ago is turned to frantic shrill from the heart monitor. And then there’s whirl of white nurse clothes, squeaks of rubber shoes against the floor, doctors and final times. 

And there’s Jackson’s heart breaking one more time because there is no more hope and everything is gone, Bambam is gone. 

 

 

Ten years later Jackson remembers. Not everything, no. But enough. He remembers the pain, the unfairness. But most importantly, he remembers the happy times.

**Author's Note:**

> _I still breath, I wont die_   
>  _If I die, don't be sad_   
>  _don't weep_
> 
>  
> 
>  
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> _Even in that moment_  
>  _A smile is appearing_  
>  _is appearing_
> 
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> 
> pls come yell at me about jackbam (or anything), im in twitter @ _morjens_


End file.
